im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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