Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
