ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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