guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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