i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
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A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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