You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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