I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
