I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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