I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
