my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Did you pee in the oven last night??
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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