I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
