I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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