dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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