I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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