I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
