dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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