I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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