I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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