update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
