She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
