I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Farmville is her only friend.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
