is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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