Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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