According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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