Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.