I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
