I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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