There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.