My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.