If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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