Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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