so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
