Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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