I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
