it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
