i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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