Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
