I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
