Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
