I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
