i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
