He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
