It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
