I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
