My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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