My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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