I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
