laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
