Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
