The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
