Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
