If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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