I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
