I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
