Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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