he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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