I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
