Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
