You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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