im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
