omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
