Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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