im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
