Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
